The Sufferable Ass

After reading Jason Calacanis, Michael Arrington, and Mark Cuban’s so-called rules for startups, I figured we’d had just about enough out of the big boys. Here follows the Sufferable Ass’s rules for startups from the user perspective. Heed them or perish.

• Dude, if you’ve got a product, don’t make me pay for it. I mean, Google gives away free email. You think I’m going to pay for whatever lame ass thing you’ve got? Please. Make it free or move on.
• Definitely lose a vowel or two in your domain name. It makes typing your URL quicker, and I really just want to get in, try your service, and get away as fast as possible.
• Oh, and lose the invitation beta thing. I just want to use your damn website. I know it’s all built out in there, and all you’re doing is stalling until you can line your pockets with VC money, so quit playing coy. Just open up the damn site.
• I know more about what you’re trying to do and what kinds of challenges you’re dealing with than you do. When you screw up, and you certainly will because you’re not effing Bill Jobs or Steve Gates, make sure you’ve got a forum or an email address or something where I can give you shit for it. It’s the only way you’ll learn.
• Oh, and don’t ask me to Digg your company blog post about your stupid startup. So far I haven’t seen shit from you, so why should I give you free publicity?
• Oh, and speaking of your blog: lose it. You’re not as interesting as you think you are. The only thing I care less about than your stupid startup idea is you writing about your stupid startup idea. And if you’re “enhancing” your blog with a podcast, I will puke. Stop it, and get back to coding, monkey boy. If you want to be a writer, call fucking Random House.
• NEVER EVER EVER let your website go down, or have “scheduled maintenance.” You are providing a service. Irregardless of whether I’m paying for it or not—or even whether I’m using it at the time—what right do you have to suddenly withdraw the use of the service from me? Fuck you. If you can’t build the proper infrastructure to support an unlimited number of users of your site, maybe you’d be better off programming my order into the register at Burgerz World. Fucking amateurs.